So I just stayed up all night after an exhausting day to clean. No, I haven’t gone mad. Not any more so than usual anyway. This was about something deeper than just clutter, and it was a battle I had to win. (Aren’t they all?)
I can always tell when somethings up under the surface with me solely by my surroundings. I actually enjoy cleaning, especially if I’m stressed, and between work and school and life there’s enough of that to keep the house more than spick and span. Believe me. That is seldom the case though. At least here lately. Which means something isn’t as it should be.
One by one, God has pointed out my areas for improvement and Jesus has tackled them with me until we could claim victory together. It’s been nothing short of miraculous. I have never felt more like myself, nor have I ever felt so free to be such. Glorious. I would have to describe it as glorious. I highly recommend it, though I must warn you, it’s the most dangerous, arduous journey you’re likely to ever undertake. There’s no way to sugar coat it. Nor would I want to. The journey to becoming who God made you to be flat out sucks.
It’s been my experience that he starts with a motivator of some kind, and then uses that motivator to break you down so completely that you wonder if you’ll ever start to feel whole again. Then, as promised, Jesus stands at the door of your shattered heart and knocks. Endlessly. The beauty and the idiocy of it all is that you get to choose exactly which areas of your heart/life you let him into. That kind of freedom and love is astounding. It’s a darn shame we’re too dumb to use it properly. Or at least, I was.
See, if you only let him in to the areas you can see at first glance and only let him do half the work that’s needed, it can only mean one thing. God is going to find a bigger, better motivator and use it to break you even worse than before. And he’ll keep this up, again and again, until you let him into every area where he knows you need him to go and allow him to finish his work in you. It may not at all feel like it at the time, but he’s doing this because he loves you. If he allowed you to live on, walking wounded, just as you were, so far from who you could be, that would be even crueler still.
It may help you to recall that when he breaks you, or rather, allows you to be broken, he breaks with you. You never suffer that alone. Every tear you cry is collected and kept in a safe place because even they are precious to him. Because you are so precious to him. Not to mention Jesus goes through all of it with you. Every feeling, every tear, every ounce of pain and heartache. He feels it all too. So whatever you’re feeling, they feel it tenfold. This should humble you. That the Creator and Savior of the Universe loves you so much that they are willing to put themselves through absolute agony on your behalf, again and again, just so that you might be free to be yourself.
I’ve put him through this with me so many times that I’ve lost count. But I couldn’t be more grateful that he kept it up. This last time was the worst, but at least I’m finally learning. Instead of building a wall and hiding, I’m wielding a shield and sword with as much grace as I can muster. No longer do I reach for my own bootstraps when trying to rise higher. Now I take all I need from the Lord. There’s a million little changes that have taken place in me, and I am exuberant about each one. Just as God always hoped I would be!
Which brings me back to my less than tidy surroundings. My brokenness and inner mess had spilled over. I hate it when the house gets cluttered and messy because it makes me feel out of sorts and even more stressed. But things are open now. Clutter free and lovely. There is more work to be done, the closets need sorting for starters, but the biggest obstacles have been overcome. My heart is free, I feel like me, and my home is starting to show it. I cannot wait to see where we go from here!