I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It’s not uncommon for me to stay up late, as I am much more night owl than early bird, but this is different. This is that lovely kind of insomnia that leeches the joy from your life slowly and makes you feel awful, simply because you live life so damn tired all the time! It’s no bueno. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen to me all that often, and (as Rose recently pointed out to me) when it does, it always precedes something big. A revelation or event or something of that caliber. This time was no different.
You guys know all about my recent struggles, and how very much I did not know how to handle them. Tonight I finally received imagery to adequately describe my sleepless feels. I’m in a beautiful meadow with the sun shining and a crystal clear pond right in the middle. I know there’s something wonderful for me just up ahead and as I charge joyfully towards it I am suddenly taken down. Hard. I cannot see my attacker, but I can feel their weight and the harshness of their fingers as they press into my face. I can still see the sun shining bright above me, but now it’s through several inches of that clear, serene water. I struggle and manage to grab a breath every now and again. And the truly horrible part isn’t that I’m drowning, it’s that I’m being drowned.
I wonder how many of you have ever felt this way too… Maybe you didn’t have the words for it at the time, but that scene is so familiar it could be your backyard? At least now you know you weren’t/aren’t alone in that feeling/scenario. Of course, you probably never were. I know I’m not. Every time I see myself struggling in the water, I look over and there’s Jesus. Right by my side. Suffering with me. Seemingly needlessly doing nothing. I don’t know how you handle this moment, but I get mad. “Lord, why aren’t you doing something? I don’t know if you noticed, but I could really use some help here!” Sure, there is a small comfort in that at least he’s suffering with me, but it’s not what I want. And I don’t understand why he’s allowing this to continue.
Earlier I presented this exact scenario to Rose, who knows more about my struggles than just about anyone else on the planet. In all her new, baby Christian wisdom she suggested that maybe I had to learn to fight this one on my own. What sucks is she wasn’t even wrong. I’ve gotten very good at calling on God when I get in a fight with the dark side of the force. I’m completely content to sit back and let him fight my battles. Trouble is, that’s not exactly what we’re called to do. Warrior princesses and all that remember? It was time to pick up my sword and shield and fight back.
Which is what found me resisting the siren call of sleep inducing medication tonight. I have no problem chemically forcing my body back onto a regular sleep schedule, but for some reason it just didn’t feel right. I was scared that it would be a mistake, which is ridiculous normally. But it turns out God had business with me tonight. I’m not even sure how I ended up there, but soon I found myself reading Through the Eyes of a Lion on my kindle. I bought it awhile back to hopefully help me cope and give me hope. Tonight it more than fulfilled it’s end of the deal. I simply read the end of chapter 6 and it had everything I needed. A reminder (based on Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit no less!) that anytime we need to we can call on God to come and help us, followed by another to “Take heart” not just in, but from Jesus.
Suddenly I see why he’s just suffering next to me in the pond. I have to learn to truly fight back. It’s time to take that next step on my journey. So he’s beside me to supply all the strength and courage and heart I need to win. Nothing is dragging me down- this isn’t that kind of lesson, one that deals with something inside yourself. No. I am being opposed. Drowned. The other guy doesn’t want me getting to whatever God had me running towards. Well, that’s his problem. My Daddy just handed me my favorite weapons: hope and faith. He’d betta run…
Until next time,