It’s been a long time. I know this. You may or may not know this, depends on how closely you follow the blog. 😉 The real question is why? Where have I been?
When last you heard from me I’d lost the weight and no idea where to go from there really. I’d found my life partner but not my husband, and I knew what I wanted from life but had no idea how to get it. Basically a hot mess. 🙂
Then came the real problem. Just at the golden moment when I thought it was all turning around, came the death blow. I found out someone I love was being abused in the same way that I had once been. And just like that, I was down for the count. I knew too much what this was like and had too great a sense what it would be like for them. I simply couldn’t take it.
So I cried. Not just a small sprinkling of tears, which is usually all I can manage to get out. No. I sobbed. I wept. I mourned their loss, even before they are able to mourn it themselves. My life more or less shut down for weeks while I processed this news. I was a full blown zombie. All I could do was go through the motions. I had nothing to give to anyone. I was defeated.
It’s almost funny to think about now. That this is what defeated me. I have gone through plenty of hardship in life, as we all have, and despite all those terrible things, only once before can I recall ever feeling this broken. It was the period of greatest loss and betrayal in my entire life. Literally the lowest I have ever been laid by the people I loved and trusted most at the time. Suicide seemed friendly for a while before I came to my senses and realized that killing yourself is NEVER the answer. EVER.
I didn’t consider that non-option this time. After all what good would taking myself out of the game do? What help would they have then? I know I needed to be here. To help them when the time came, but then the question was how? After all, their abuser had cut them off from me, as is the job of all good abusers. If you leave your victim with allies, they think of escape, and what fun is it if a victim gets away from you to lead a healthy, happy life free of you? These kinds of people truly make me sick.
This is where God comes in. As it so often is. He came in and picked up the pieces. His plan is falling into place, and I am slowly learning my part in it. Everything is tied together, and over the course of how ever many weeks it takes, I hope to show you all how exactly that is playing out in my own life. My next steps are all slowly clearing up before me. I know what comes next on my fitness journey now, and how that’s tied to my career and life goals. I have a much better idea of the next steps Rose and I need to take to get our business off the ground. I get my love story now, and how it relates to the rest of my life. Looking back, I can see how every little thing is all tied together.
I wonder at how many of us can do that, if we really tried. I hope its almost all of us, but I know it isn’t. Many of us are stuck in our current battle, unable to see the victory just up ahead and blindly unaware of all the groundwork laid behind. It’s quite glorious when you can see the full picture. It fills me with hope and understanding and peace and purpose every time I manage to. So that is what I hope to give you. Even if it is just vicarious at first. If the only time you can see it is through my story and that lifts you up, then great! It’s a first step, and in time, I know you’ll see it in your own story too. You just need to know what to look for, and that’s where I’m most happy to help 🙂