I have done it. I have finally done it. A little over a year later, I have hit my goal weight of 123lbs. Technically I hit it a few days ago, most likely October 18th. Honestly, I’m really not sure. Turns out it was not nearly as big of a deal as I thought it would be. Sure, it was a spike of pleasure and I was excited to open the things I’d gotten for myself for just this occasion some two years ago. Still, it was not all it was cracked up to be. I am not all I hyped myself up to be.

For as long as I can recall in my informed struggle with my weight, I have wanted to weigh 123lbs. It was my dream number. It hits right in the middle of my healthy weight range. Plus, how cute is it to weigh 1-2-3 pounds? I just loved the idea and the look of it. So I have carried this dream in my heart for some 13 or so years now, and the results are a little disappointing.

I am on the smaller/cuter end of the human scale at 5 feet, 4 inches and all curves. My body is built to be an exaggerated hourglass. In my mind, hitting 123 would put me in the exact pinup like shape I so wanted to be. It was not an unrealistic expectation, as that is my natural body shape. I wasn’t asking for larger breasts or smaller hips to fit some “societal ideal” or any other such nonsense. I simply wanted to look more like me.

So many plans to decorate that body with tattoos and pieces of fashion so long denied to me. There exists boards on Pinterest devoted entirely to just these things. I had such plans! And you might think that fitting into size 4 high waisted skinny jeans from the junior’s department would mean I have the body I have always dreamed of. You would be wrong.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am happy that I hit my goal. My body has changed in many an incredible way and I quite love all the progress I have made. I look amazing by comparison to my old self. I am healthier, I am happier and life is all around better. It’s amazing to me how many things are affected and/or reflected by weight. Still…

There is a me that I carry around in my heart and mind, an ideal that I wish for. It is not unhealthy or unrealistic by any means. I will never hit it by dieting alone though. Regulating my intake of food has become such a normal part of my life now that I do it completely thoughtlessly and effortlessly. (Admittedly, that’s my favorite side effect of simply eating a new way and not just going on a diet for a set time.) This is as far as that is going to get me.

This is not far enough. My butt used to be amazing in my own eyes, now it’s sagged and fallen from grace. The stomach I envisioned with my 123 marker is not the one I actually have, and my arms still jiggle more than I would care for. It is painfully clear that I was unaware of just how much extra weight I was carrying around in the beginning. As skeletal frames go, mine is smaller than average. According to medical experts, I can loose another 15 pounds and still be perfectly healthy and not a bit underweight.

I don’t know if I’m going for another 15 pounds. I like a softer, more 1950’s pinup-esque look after all. What I do know is I will be loosing more and shaping up what I’ve uncovered. Never before did I realize how much fat I was carrying on my back, hips and thighs. To loose over 40 pounds and still be as shapeless and jiggly as I am is unsettling. I have plans for my body, things I want it to be able to do. There is no target size, nor do I have a goal weight any longer. Still, I have to be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Action-oriented, Realistic and Time-bound) about this.

My new goals are these: I want to be flexible enough to do the splits and place both my hands flat on the floor with ease when I bend over. I want my glutes to rise to the occasion of being “dat ass” once more. My arms should be strong enough to complete 20 pushups and 20 pull-ups with relative ease. They should also have the strength to allow the rest of my body to balance atop them in a handstand. The curve at my middle should be one third less than those above and below it to give me that killer hourglass figure. I should have the cardio and leg endurance to run without stopping for at least 30 minutes.

Nothing about any of that is impossible nor unrealistic. The majority of my fat is still concentrated in my stomach, and four inches off that area gets me the curve I’m looking for. Stretching is something I’m supposed to do daily to keep my back and pelvis healthy and in the right places anyway. Physical strength was something I was blessed with at birth but have failed to appreciate enough to maintain over the years. All this will take is commitment and consistency, and maybe a little discipline. I have developed those skills to the point of nearly being instinct when it comes to food, now we see if I can replicate those results here.

~me💋

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