I was born on All Saints Day, and I seem to believe that gives me the right to become a rampant sinner from November 1st through whenever. Having a few forbidden foods as a birthday treat is fine. A day filled with unhealthy treats in celebration of the miracle that is you is understandable. Allowing yourself to indulge for the better part of 10 days is just plain stupid. It turns out that I am just plain stupid.
I had a number of my old favorite foods that I haven’t had in months for my birthday. My grave mistake was in failing to stop there. For the last 10 days I have had at least one big cheat everyday. And it’s showing. I’ve gained weight and my digestive pyrotechnics have been humbling. But I can’t seem to stop.
Now that I’ve allowed myself to set foot on the slippery slope, I find myself sliding ever further down. It’s dark and scary and coming at me fast. I’m not sure what to do. All my self control is being used up elsewhere right now it seems. Between a new man and my new job it’s easy to see where it’s all going. I thought I was past this though, that’s the truly irritating thing.
I was past this. That’s the truly infuriating thing. I was in a good place where cravings were few and manageable. It was a land of pride and relative ease. The weight was finally coming off. It almost seemed like magic. Now that’s all come to a grinding halt. Everything is going in the reverse. And I’m not even sorry.
I regret not one bite taken. In fact, I long for more. That is what has me truly frightened. I keep waiting for the remorse to set in, but it just isn’t happening. Sugar has her hooks in me once and I am struggling to remember my reasons for breaking free in the first place. I know it’s an abusive relationship, but I don’t care. I love her. I want to be with her always.
This exact sentiment is why I know I must get out. I need distance, perspective. There was a time when I could resist her. I can even still recall a time when I did not long for her as I do now. I must get back to that place. Gluten, dairy and sugar are not kind to me. They do my body no good. I must remember this. This binge must end. The slippery slope must be scaled once more to place me back on solid ground. I know I can do it. I’ve done it before. Finding my motivation… now that’s the tricky part.