I went jeans shopping this past weekend. We all know how psychologically damaging this has the potential to be, especially for someone struggling with their weight. But I needed them for work because all of mine had holes too near the crotch. So it was happening whether I was ready or not.

Admittedly, my current pairs that I was previously spilling out of had become a little loose, so I was hopeful. My hopes were not in vain, I had gone down a jean size. Nearly two… I think maybe 5 pounds more would get me into them. What’s more, my butt looks amazing! So do my legs. Even better is the way I feel in them.

Sexy isn’t a size, it’s a feeling. I’ve felt sexy at my heaviest and I feel it again, every time I step out in these jeans. They cling to my newly toned legs and mold to my smaller, perkier derrière. It makes me pretty happy, but not just because I look good. This is the size I haven’t fit in since I was about 10 or 12, another milestone on my journey to looking and feeling better; and THAT makes me happy.

I recently went through all the pictures of my self I’ve taken since this started. My stomach being the biggest problem I had with my body (both in appearance and for reasons of a health concerning nature) this is what I’ve been photo journaling since day 1. I’m still struggling with seeing this area the way it is and not the way it’s always been. It still seems huge and misshapen to me. Still not a fan of it. But now that I see where I started (which is even worse then I remember it, by the way), I can see how far I’ve come.

In the last sixty days I’ve covered a lot of ground. I’ve come a long way. Shaved off a lot of inches and gained a fair amount of muscle. My numbers have all dropped and my lower half really does look quite lovely. My always stubborn muffin top remains, however smaller than it once was. I take comfort in this. I don’t feel the overwhelming joy I thought I’d feel about fitting in this jean size again – I thought my stomach would be smaller by now. The two are not as closely related as I want to believe apparently.

For the time being, I’ll wear my sexy jeans proudly and try to keep from stressing over how my top half looks in them. It’ll get there one day too. I know it will.

Until then,