The past week or so has not been my best work. Sure, it started off happy, but that may have been exactly what undid me. I can’t handle happy, it seems. At least not without “enhancing” it with my favorite drug of choice: sugar. I made a chocolate cake and chocolate-less chip cookies the very night of my happy day. It’s been five day since then and they are all gone.

Once again, I have proven to be irresponsible with my sugar intake. Though I made these treats with all “legal” ingredients, I did use real/regular sugar. Why? Because I’m afraid an sugar is my go to comforter. What am I afraid of? Why success of course! I’m halfway through my journey, in a health weigh range for the first time in a decade or better, and seeing numbers on the scale that I haven’t seen since eight grade. It should make me simply overjoyed, or at least satisfied or accomplished feeling. And it does.

But it also causes my old habits to rear their ugly heads. I’m all about the self sabotage. I live to shoot myself in the foot and stand in my own way. It’s almost like my special skill. I hate it, and I’m learning to fight it. The battle is ongoing though, and in these early stages I keep loosing. I’m finding myself drastically unprepared for this fight. It’s not one I’ve ever even attempted before, I always just let myself loose in the past. I have no reference point for how to win this.

That doesn’t mean I’m just going to lie down and take it though. I may have knocked myself on my own backside this week, but that’s okay. A bump on the learning curve. My body is on my side this time, not aching for the fulfillment of sugar but instead rebelling against the intrusion on it’s newly found harmony. An upset stomach has been my way of existing for days now, balancing right on the brink of puking for days. It has done nothing to stop me, and as I write these words I see the true idiocy in that.

Today’s Verse of the Day on the Bible app was 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, and it serves as a good reminder. What I am doing to myself is not an act of love, but one born of fear. I have not been given a heart of fear, so why am I insisting upon acting like it? These aren’t even normal feeling cravings. They feel false, almost forced somehow. Like I’m making myself want things that I don’t even truly desire just to keep myself from my goal. How ridiculous and messed up is that?

This ends now. Today. No more.

Until then,

~Me💋

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