I made cupcakes today… worst decision ever. Already, I’ve lost count of how many I’ve eaten and then there’s all the batter I consumed to boot. Don’t even ask me about my calories for today, because I honestly have no idea. It was such a wonderfully healthy day up to this point too. 😦

Since being able to go off the Ignite phase of the Daily Burn nutrition program, I’ve been really struggling to find balance in the Balance phase (damn, that’s aptly named.) Suddenly I have a little freedom and wiggle room in my dietary guidelines and I’m terrified of it. This is not a healthy fear either, it’s not something I can use to empower myself to make good choice. No, this is an insidious fear that eats away at my confidence in my ability to make good dietary choices. It’s almost as though I had to prove myself right.

When I started all this weeks ago, I honestly didn’t think I’d make through the first week without cheating. Then I did. I made it the whole 21 days in fact. Now I have a little freedom and past experience has taught me that this where I’ll loose it. Today I proved myself right. (Another lesson in negative self talk and changing your inner monologue is just waiting to be learned here.)

I have 24 tiny, bite-sized cupcakes and 8 regular sized ones. I’m probably out of points for the week given all I’ve consumed today, but I don’t know if that will stop me from eating them tomorrow. Now that they exist, I don’t think I can resist the siren call of the sugar. Eating it again was everything I remembered it to be in every possible way. I still absolutely love sugar. There’s no doubt about it. For me, no other substance will ever compare to the way it makes me feel. Even bread and all my favorite comfort foods don’t make me feel near the way sugar does, and cupcakes aren’t even on my top 10 favorite ways to have it.

This is bad news bears all around really. I should never have made the stupid things. But I did. All I can do now is eat them, because I’ll be damned if I’m giving away any of those tiny cups of magic. (I did share with my beloved roommate, but she is a VERY special exception to a lot of my rules.) By this time tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised if all of them are gone. A few of the full sized ones will remain, but I guarantee the tiny ones will not live to see another sunrise. Which means I will probably cry when I weigh-in in a few days time and have gained. It’s not as though I won’t know why though. I did this to myself. Consciously and willingly.

The lesson here, I fear and somewhat embrace, is that I need tight reigns. I’m just too wild to let me have my head. I can never move into thee Balance phase of this diet. On the rare occasions that I go out of town or out to eat with friends or some such similar irregular foodie occurrence, then I can “cheat” all I like. I won’t restrict myself in any way except to keep from overeating and probably no dessert. Don’t want to get too crazy. Otherwise, the other 95% of my life, I will be eating clean. No sugar, no dairy, no gluten, no soy, no artificial sweeteners and no alcohol. Only those first 3 will ever be a challenge, but it’s a challenge I have proven to myself that I can rise to.

Until then,