I do apologize for being a little remiss in my daily postings lately. A lot has been going on, but almost none of it was Fatty to Fitty related. Everything to do with my weightless journey has been relatively steady and calm lately, which is exactly why I’m so scared of tomorrow. The Ignite phase of my Daily Burn diet is officially over when I awaken on the morrow. I will have 10 points to spend as I wish. This is what it means to be in the Balance phase.
Though the last few weeks have finally taught me self control, the likes of which I previously thought myself completely incapable. Simply knowing that things were completely off limits, keeping this mindset at all times, has been a great weapon in this warfare. That will be the case no longer in a few hours time. In less than twelve hours, I will no longer be telling myself that I absolutely can’t have that. Instead, I will be telling myself that I can have a single solitary serving.
Serving sizes are ridiculous and hard to keep track of. It’s kind of hilarious to me that some of the sizes they print on the nutrition labels are legal, since absolutely no one eats that few naturally. I think it should be a laws that serving sizes and the nutrition information that goes with them be accurate to how people actually eat. Not the case though- they expect you to learn to eat within the boundaries of the serving size they suggest.
This is where my fear begins. What if I can’t? I’m not a fan of what ifs, though I seem to have plenty floating through my mind at any given time. Positive ones are fun, but the negatives I could really do without. These past few days, this whole week really, I’ve had too many negative what ifs plaguing me. They are almost all I can think about.
But I am not a worrier by nature; I am a planner. Every time I consume either gluten, sugar, dairy, alcohol, artificial sugar or soy I will use up exactly 1 point from my allotted 10. Of all the “evil 6”, there are only 3 I have truly missed. I’ve never drank alcohol in the first place and I tend to think of artificial as little packets full of cancer. Avoiding them has been exceedingly simple. I like soy, but not so much that I had any trouble giving it up, especially when I think about how bad it really is for you.
Dairy was a bit of a struggle given my love of cheese and the fact that milk is my all time favorite beverage. Not even chocolate milk- just plain, white, delicious milk. Mmmm… In the past week though, I have discovered a love for unsweetened, vanilla almond milk, so I don’t fear my dairy cravings will trouble me over much. The occasional serving of cheese should do it. I don’t know if I’ll ever drink cow’s milk again, simply because I am not sure I can trust myself to stop once I start again. I have been known to drink a whole gallon by myself within a day’s time, easily. Knowing my love for it is so strong, remembering how intensely I craved it, it just seems unwise to allow myself even a little. So I won’t.
Great as my love is for dairy, it cannot hold a candle to my love for gluten. Bread and water was a meal I frequently had before. An entire loaf of hot, fresh baked french bread made an excellent dinner back then. It still sounds pretty damn good right now actually. Thus my fear. Greater still is my absolute adoration of and addiction to sugar. When sugar and gluten get together and make exquisitely savory babies, I struggle not to pull a mama hamster on them. I know myself well enough to know that I can’t forever like without both of them. It would be somewhat foolish to try. I would just snap at some point and way overdo it.
This leaves me in a bit of a tough position. Knowing I can’t really do without these things, but wanting to try just the same. If my desire to try and avoid them all together wasn’t entirely fear based, then I might have some have hope of possible success. So I have come up with a plan, as I always do. Something I think I can actually succeed at. A desire based on hope and wanting to change, with fear no where in sight.
We live in a wonderful time in terms of food allergies. They are on the rise, and this means people have gotten creative. There is a market now for gluten free, dairy free, soy free, sugar free, etc. free foods. This is how I have pretzels that actually taste good, but contain none of the “evil 6.” Bob’s Red Mill and Pamela’s Products exist in the local grocery store now. They offer things like brownies and cake and breads and other such delicacies made gluten and dairy free! Now sugar is fairly unavoidable, and I’m okay with that. If there was ever one of the “evil 6” I was not going to be able to truly do without, it was sugar. She is my mistress after all, and going without her this whole time has felt like loosing a lover.
Tomorrow begins the start of a very big adventure. I thought the Ignite phase would be the hardest thing I have ever done, but it wasn’t. Making it through this was not without challenges, but once I settled into it, everything was more or less fine. Having only ever failed before, I was unprepared for exactly what success would do to my frame of mind. Now that I’ve come this far, my fear of failing is twice what it was before. I have a plan. We’ll see if I can stick to it.