Recently, I posted about my virginity. It’s not a touchy subject for me in the least. I will, quite obviously, tell any one who asks. However, I didn’t particularly feel like I fully expressed what I was trying to. Chalk it up to stress or exhaustion, as I have an unholy amount going on right now. Whatever the cause, I don’t like the way that panned out. So I’m giving it another go. Because some things are too important to miss the mark on.
I grew up the grand daughter of a Southern Baptist Preacher. Naturally, I went to Sunday School since infancy and attended a private Christian School from kindergarten through 8th grade. High School was my first real foray into the real world, and by the time I got there, unlike any number of my peers, I knew who I was. I had made my decision- I was going to stay abstinent until marriage. I understand that this is a highly personal decision, one we each must make for ourselves, and despite what you may be thinking, I did. No one made me choose this (as if anyone could.) Nor was I ceaselessly pressured nor raised to believe sex was “wrong.” No. This one was all me.
Growing up as I did, it should come as no big surprise that I grew to love Jesus. The man did so much for me, how could I not? My love is all he’s really after, though my obedience would be nice as well. That second part is definitely more for my benefit than his, but few people seem to understand that. I haven’t been a Christian my whole life (no such thing, by the way, as we’re all born into darkness and have to choose to accept Christ of our own free will.) My walk is a few years short of that mark, having accepted Christ at about 5 years old to end my panic attacks. Worked brilliantly in case you were wondering. But my walk didn’t really hit it’s stride until I was about 9 or 10.
I was an early bloomer, and puberty hit when I was 9 years old and still in 3rd grade. They don’t even have the puberty talk with you at school by then, and it’s not fun to be the first, let me tell you. If I wore makeup, which I was not allowed to do, I could quite literally look 18 by the time I was 10. Thankfully my looks seem to have frozen somewhere around 17/18, so I still can, but looking that way at such a young age was a decidedly unpleasant experience. Men thought I was old enough to be hit on, and so they did. My go to reaction was to run back to my mommy and cling. They were a little surprised to say the least to learn that I wasn’t just a minor, but a child. Lots of ick feeling in that last sentence, right? Exactly.
For this reason, I have always (and probably will always) HATE being hit on. It just makes my skin crawl. This has done nothing to prevent me from having a love life, however. It’s just made me much harder to catch and very choosy. Not a bad thing, in my opinion. There have been times when intimacy was an easy and tempting option. Please believe me when I say I have a very, VERY healthy libido. I don’t know nor care what your opinion on Astrology is, and I personally think it’s mostly bullshit, but boy did they ever knock it out of the park with their analysis of a Scorpio’s sex drive. Check out @ScorpioTerms on Twitter if you don’t believe me. The overwhelming majority of their tweets are about sex, and they aren’t wrong to do so.
Being a Scorpio myself, sex is the thing I most look forward to about marriage. It’s not all a marriage is, I am well aware, but it is the one thing that I can’t get elsewhere. Or rather, won’t allow myself to get elsewhere. For this reason, I want my honeymoon someplace fairly remote where there is basically nothing to do but each other. Preferably for about a month. Then I want to wait about 5 years before we even attempt to get pregnant, because I want to have all that time to freely enjoy my husband. I was never one to fantasize about what my wedding would be like until the last couple years, but the wedding night/honeymoon/five years thing? I’ve dreamt about those since I was much younger than you’d probably care to know about. Lust is my favorite flavor of sin (as you well know), and harnessing it for this long has only driven my need/desire to insane heights. But still I refrain. Why, you ask?
Because I made a promise long ago and I am a woman of my word. It doesn’t matter that I was only 12 at the time. I knew what I was promising and what I wanted to do with my life. You see, this was my one perfect gift. My own personal little sacrificial lamb. Jesus paid the price for my sins so that I wouldn’t have to, being the perfect sacrificial lamb himself, but this isn’t about atonement. This is about gratitude and love. And understanding why the Bible suggests we wait. I don’t want to have to deal with all the (potential) turmoil that comes with premarital sex. So I decided when I was 12 years old and have stuck to my guns ever since. I’m “keepin’ ‘em closed for Jesus” (my own little colorful phrase for it😁.)
Is it easy? HELL NO! But victory loves preparation. I don’t put myself in stupid situations. I don’t date frivolously, and I don’t date just anyone I have a crush on/think is cute/develop feelings for. All these would just increase my desire and weaken my resolve. This doesn’t mean that I only date with the intention of marriage. I didn’t have any plan to marry most of my exes. Though if it had turned out that way, I had made my selection carefully enough in the first place that I wouldn’t worry about it overmuch. This is how I operate. Friends first, so no “hitting on” occurs, only flirting. Then, when I’m sure of their character and that my feelings for them aren’t just a fleeting desire to feel all those wonderful feelings, then and only then do I allow myself to date them. I see most men as potential friends, not potential boyfriends.
I understand that this is not the norm, and I’m okay with that. This is the choice I made for myself for my Savior, and I don’t regret it. Of course, I have moments of uncertainty or loneliness and consider trashing the whole thing (Jesus does forgives after all.😉)These are rare though. The exception, not the rule. Generally, I’m fairly happy in my love life and my decision to stay chaste. I get just as giddy as the next girl at the prospect of a new love, and I’m just as upset when it doesn’t pan out. Overall though, I’m good the way I am. When I end up with someone, it will be because I choose them. Not because I was desperate and needed somebody, anybody; not because I accidentally fell pregnant; not because I think I love them but it was actually just really great, intimate sex; and not because I’ve been playing at marriage with them the whole time we were dating and I feel it’s owed to me. And I think that is a very good thing.
P.S. I’m not at all judging anyone who doesn’t abstain as I do, nor suggesting my list of reasons that won’t lead to marriage for me are what automatically happen when you don’t. Everyone has to decide this kind of stuff for themselves, and no two decisions are necessarily the same. This is what I chose for myself and the reasons I decided to do so based on who I am and my relationship with Jesus. What you do with your life is between yourself and your Savior, and quite frankly, none of my business. 😉