Saying I have a sweet tooth does not begin to describe it. My relationship with sugar (yes, relationship) is much more like the relationship between an addict and their heroin. It’s a love/hate kind of thing. No matter how much I wish to resist its siren call, it proves its power once again and wins in the end. This has been my number one downfall in the dietary stakes ALWAYS. I was raised on sugar, it makes me feel love and loved and happy and all manner of other such good feels. Having never even been remotely tempted to try drugs myself, from what I’ve learned, the experience is not too unlike getting high. It just feels good.

The after math however, does not feel good. Even as a child, sugar never made me hyper and I don’t really “crash” once it wears off. My body has always accepted sugar like a natural part of itself. Problem is, this flawless acceptance means my body actually turns sugar into an actual part of itself as fat. I have no misguided ideas about getting my body fat percentage crazy low- that is simply not healthy or natural for MY body. However, I would very much like to lower my number because it is far outside the healthy range.

A lot of my body numbers are far outside the healthy range right now actually. Recently having had some very serious health scares, I take my health a little more seriously now. The fact that they were all caused by obesity is more irksome than I can say. Like everyone else in the western world, my relationship with my weight is a complicated one. We have a history strewn with various wreckage and too few high points.

When I was younger, my body was fantastic. I was completely comfortable in a leotard, which is when you KNOW you’ve got it down. Being a gymnast and briefly a dancer as a child gave me such good body confidence and coordination. Life has happened since then, as it does for everyone blessed enough to keep living, and things changed. One of the things that has hit me hard recently was the loss of body coordination and flexibility. I used to be capable of so much! Though I’m not clumsy or anything like that now, I deeply miss the things my body used to be able to do. Watching Zoe Saldana fight in Guardians of the Galaxy was an entirely awesome reminder of all I’ve lost.

Zoe is incredibly flexible, with great body coordination and strength. I love her. She’s another of my heroes. Do not misunderstand me, I have no desire to look like her, insanely beautiful as she is. Her body is all willowy grace and I am simply not built like that. And that’s perfectly okay. Neither body type is better than the other in my opinion. What I do envy is the way she moves. I used to be able to move like that. There was a time when I could kick higher than my own head with considerable force. I long for that to return.

So despite the fact that I woke up sore and craving sugar from my efforts yesterday, I am keeping the course today. Though my sugar cravings have only intensified all day long, to the point where my tongue is literally tingling for it now, I refuse to give in. IM5’s new single “Get To Know You” helps, giving me a new beat to rock to when I’d rather be eating brownies. Zac Efron and David Scarzone help, being two of the people I find most attractive at the moment and knowing that like attracts like. Sharing my pain here helps. After all, misery loves company, and I can’t possibly be the only one ridiculously/absurdly/insanely addicted to sugar.

~Shalese Brynn💋